Laughing My Fucking Ass Off.

Me and my sister were talking yesterday. She said that I wasn't really a good person. I'm not generally nice or feminine in any way. I'm good as shit faking it, but deep down I'm really not. I'm neither polite nor tactful. I'm rather blunt and rude for the most part. I can be tough as shit if I want to be, and I stand up to the bitches that try to put me down. But good? No. Barely.

So what did I do to deserve these wonderful people in my life?

Last night was one of the hardest I've come by. I just wanted to be alone, the whole time. And then I started talking on the phone. My eyes are still swollen from the tears. But then again my stomach is still sore from all the laughing. So I guess it evens out. I must be luckiest person ever..or something.

Today is the viewing. Another tradition in my family is that we're not allowed to take a shower today. For some reason we're not allowed to appear clean in the body's presence. Thank goodness I washed my hair yesterday.

Kelsey Rae

Crank It To 11.

There are some odd traditions in my family that are associated with death. For instance, when the body is removed from the house, it's custom to break a clay pot, symbolizing the spirit's freedom. It's kind of an anti-ghost insurance.

They're going to bury him with things he might need in his afterlife, including toothpaste, a toothbrush, his favorite clothes, hats, his shave kit, etc.

Possibly the most interesting (as well as my favorite) is that they plan on burying him with money and a candle. They believe that to get to heaven the departed take a boat up a river that's really dark or someshit. So, the money is for the fare and the candle is so they can see their way.

I'm left wondering, how much is the fare?

Also,



Thirty watts of FUCKING AWESOME. I promise you, I've never played a guitar until I played one that was plugged into this wonderful box of wonder. A USED and TEMPORARY Christmas gift from my Uncle Andrew. He is amazing.. It's just a shame that I don't have my Les Paul on me, so all I can really do is just look at it and admire its beauty.

I absolutely love walking through Los Angeles in December. Seeing all the white douchebags sip on their Starbucks cups and toying with their expesive phones, overpriced vintage shops, and kids tagging the sides of liquor stores. On top of it all, the weather is perfect for taking long walks to a soundtrack of angry kids singing about life and death..and the somewhere in the between. Five days of prayer left by the way. I don't think I'm going to be in the valley anytime soon.

Kelsey Rae

Tissues & Prayers.

If you know me well enough you'd know that I love my family more than anything in the whole world, and the only reason I would leave them is to make a quick phone call to someone that I miss. You'd know that on my mom's side of my family, my cousins are like my brothers and sisters. My aunts and uncles are like my parents. And my grandparents. They were just the best. They were capable of anything and everything, and gifted with a family that loved them to the very extent that their hearts could offer. It's weird. I might not have loved much, but I know where my heart is, and where it's always going to be. I know where I'll come back to during loss and fear. It's always going to be here, this street. No matter where I live in ten years, twenty years, this is always going to be my home.

Today was difficult to fathom. I saw a woman lose the very being that she loved the most in the whole world. I saw a family crumble and start to grow back a little stronger together. I couldn't help but break down just a little bit..of course I had to escape to the backyard where no one could hear me crying. And then I had to be strong for the kids that look up to me. It was just difficult seeing everyone that I loved so much gathered for the worst possible reason, all with the same look of sadness in their eyes.

All I can hope for is be as lucky as him. To have a family that loves me completely. Who would drive from hours away at a moments notice to be at my side when I pass. To have a spouse who will spend my last days with me even if I can't talk or move much, and who'll never pity me or see me as a burden. To be surrounded by as much love my whole life as he was.

R.I.P. Antonio Respico.
You will be missed.

Kelsey Rae

On My Shoulder.

When we're little our parents are something of our own personal superheroes. They have superhuman strength or telepathy, but undoubtedly, the amazing ability to save you when you need to be rescued. For me it was when I would trip and fall, usually resulting in a scraped knee or an otherwise seemingly fatal incident. Out of nowhere my dad would come to my rescue and pick me up. Once I was safe in his arms I would throw my arms around his neck, at which time he would sing a single line from a song by Paul Anka that would somehow make me stop crying, "Put your head on my shoulder". It's short. A simple phrase that could be said anywhere at any time by anyone. But for me it was a healing device, knowing that there was a shoulder that I could cry on until everything was better. It was his superpower.

As we grow older, however, we slowly come into realization our parents own mortality. We learn that they weren't superheroes at all. But shit, they were real good at faking it. Or, even worse, they were good at hiding what it was about them that didn't make them superheroes. We learn their fears and insecurities and weaknesses. We see them cry and lose control of everything around them. We see them experience loss and failure and sickness. And then we're left wondering, who do I turn to when my heroes can't even save themselves? And we see that even the mighty can fall. The fathers that had the strength of a thousand men can break their bones and cringe in pain with every breath that they take. We see that the mothers that could handle any task you throw at them could also struggle and fall into addiction and depression. And all we can do is still look to them in adoration as if they had all the answers and could save us from every mishap that we face. It was hard going through it myself, but it's even harder watching my family go through it.

I'm always scared when I go to that house. I was scared the two nights that I stayed there, scared whenever grandma left the house to run an errand. That maybe something might happen when the kids were sleeping that I would have to face by myself. Scared that I would be the one to explain what happened. I'm not sure what terrified me more: when I heard coughing from his room or when it was completely silent.

I can't remember the last time that I cried on my dad's shoulder. I'm sure when it happened I didn't know it would be the last time, either. But I have a feeling that the next time it happens I won't be crying because I scraped my knee or had a bad dream. It'll be because we'll be facing our own lives as we are to take them. I dread it more than anything.

I'm not sure what we're praying for. But shit, it must be good.

Kelsey Rae

Na Imbag Nga Pascua.

This Christmas was possibly one of the best I've ever had. It was spent with my family on my mom's side. It's the first time that's ever happened I think. But man, it was cool. I love my cousins more than the world. Even when they keep wanting to talk to my friends, yet can't form coherent sentences because their laughter gets the best of them. Well, they're cute. The end.

Happy Holidays to all.

Kelsey Rae

Also.

Mine mine mine. So what if it only holds about a fourth of my music? It's fucking cool.

Kelsey Rae

Rudy's.

I'm still not quite sure how it happens. But, every time after I get a new haircut I end up in the same place: in my bathroom with a pair of scissors poised dangerously next to my face. It starts out simple: a few snips here and there sorting out hairs of different length that the stylist might have missed. And then, a sudden choice that is soon to be regretted, a new layer is added. With that, another and another. Soon I find myself snipping menacingly at the dark locks that have no choice but to be victimized. No hearing. No trial. Just the violent disregard of the effort that was put into this beautiful head of hair just a couple hours ago. Locks start to fall to the ground as new choppy and uneven layers and lengths appear. Soon I start to realize that I'm destroying the cash I just threw out.

As of right now my hair looks absolutely hideous. My hand slipped while wielding those shears and now there's a completely unbalanced area on my right hand side. It's no big deal. I really don't give a shit if my hair looks crappy..but I somehow feel like I could've been just a little more organized with this one. I'm thinking of scrapping long hair at this point and trying something short only to abandon this mess and move on, but I know that someone won't like that too much. So I suppose I'll make do with what I have.

Oh, and it's Christmas Eve. Happy Holidays to all.

Kelsey Rae

Break.

It started Thursday after school and since then has been nothing but wonderful.

Thursday: Hanging out with one of the greatest friends I will ever have. Even if he is leaving me for like, two weeks.

Friday: Walking to and from Target an obnoxious amount of times, caroling, a Christmas party, sock puppets, a best friend who has just turned 18, and a pretty fun car ride home.

Saturday: Cleaning. My dad's Christmas present. And watching scary movies and walking around in the freezing cold with some bad ass mother fucker whose family loves me or something. Or at least I hope so.. It was a good day over all.

Sunday: Whitaker family party. White people looking at slides from the 60s. Oh joy.. The amount of beehives and station wagons in those were overwhelming. But I must admit, my aunts had some pretty wicked style back then.

Today: Nothing. I'm bored at the moment, but I'm going to take this time to maybe play some guitar and relax. I definitely need it. Maybe I'll go shopping tomorrow instead, since I obviously won't be in the valley. Sorry Chang..

Later.

Kelsey Rae

3/7.

I think the stress is getting to me. Sure, I have two of my easy finals tomorrow, but I'm still frightened as to what might happen once I'm confronted with it. Especially Economics, considering all I do in that class in eat Munchies and have story time with Marie, Alexis, and Sabrina.

By this time tomorrow, hopefully I'll be done with my project and studying for the final that's going to eat me alive.

Good luck to all.

Kelsey Rae

Brain On Ska.

So I just got home.

And today was a good day. I woke up at around one and spent the day with some family that I haven't seen in a while.

I wore my white chucks to the show. It's funny what those fuckers have been through. I might've worn them to my first ska show a good five or six years ago. And if I didn't, I wore them to a bunch. The bottom soles are so worn out at the toes and heels from just that. All I really needed was my rainbow jacket..but it was far too cold outside. It was a good show. It wasn't a fuckton of people shoving and suffocating each other to get closer to the stage. There was an actual skank pit and people just dancing next to each other. The last couple shows I've been to have been much more..violent. It was just a really good show.

And the ending? Holy balls. Seriously.

Oh, and chicken + waffles + midnight + three really chill shits = FUCKING AMAZING.

Kelsey Rae

Sleeping In.

Last night was the last Christmas Concert of my life, and it was spent with some of the best. And even if we played horribly, it wasn't that awful. It was somewhat emotional at some point, hinting that maybe something larger than me was about swallow me whole. Which it might, but at least I have some people to help me keep afloat at least for a little while.

Last night ended with a conversation with a person that I never thought, about things that I never thought I'd have to say out loud. It was interesting, and he made me realize things that I still deny to be true..but probably are. I miss him. And he wiped up those tears just like he used to.

So I've been listening to this song a lot lately, sometimes to unhealthy proportions. I'm not sure what it is about it, but it's one of the most eerily beautiful things ever.

And you told me of your flash of inspiration
You said fusion was the broken heart that's lonely's only thought
And all night long you drove me wild with your equations

Tonight: fun fun fun.

Kelsey Rae

And I'm Happy Just Because.

There was this intense pink glow erupting from the tombstones that were glued into the ground, reflecting off of the sky. It's true. We woldn't have been able to see it from just sitting on the ground. And sunsets like those don't come by too often. Or maybe it's just often enough. Anyway, today exceeded expectations. It was a wonderful walk laced with charming conversation ending with a beautiful sunset from the best seat in the whole world, shared with the best orange loving douche bag of my whole life. It was what I needed I guess.

They say that at the most critical times in your life, you realize who your true friends are. And I'm really glad that I've met the amazing people that love me and cherish my company just as much as I do them. People that I can talk to endlessly about just nothing..even if they have a paper to write that night, bring me ice cream randomly for no particular reason, or just climb trees with me just because we're cool like that. I'm really grateful to have these few, amazing people in my life to bring me different perspectives and just let me enjoy everything a little more.

The play was really good by the way..I laughed. On the real. So go see it if you haven't, and now listen to some Josh Ritter OR Bright Eyes.

Kelsey Rae

Cake Batter.

I FUCKING LOVE JEROME.

He's seriously one of the greatest people of my life. And not just because he does weird random things like this, but because he's sincere and caring and amazing like no other. I LOVE MY BFF FO' SHIZZZZ.

Now excuse me while I enjoy being a fatty mcfatterson.

Kelsey Rae

Whispering Eye.

A lot of people think that the hymen is a penetrable tissue that can be torn or ripped, but it's not like that at all. The hymen is actually a very thin circular tissue that surrounds the entrance to the vagina. It's narrow enough so that a finger or tampon can fit through with ease. During intercourse, it's stretched out past it's usual limitations, and as a result, bleeds. A hymen can't be "broken", and is rarely torn, but rather stretched out. A lot of dumb bitches think that girls who use tampons have already lost their virginity. But they're just ignorant douche bags. Bags o' douche.

Why am I writing about this? I'm about to meticulously draw the most disgusting anatomical body part: a vagina. That, and some virgins are really pissing me off at the moment.

Oh, and if you haven't seen Role Models, go see it. Like right now.

Kelsey Rae

Tuba Shoulder.

Last parade today. Hopefully, the last parade of my life..if I don't join All City. It was the Granada Christmas Parade, nearly two miles of horse shit and those annoying plastic horns that little kids blow on, throwing me totally off tempo. It was alright..the only downside was that sharp pain in my lungs that always seems to come at the worst time. First at Valyermo, then right before the jazz band competition, and this time at White Oak and Chatsworth, disabling my ability to breathe. Which is pretty nessecary when marching..

Anyway, I got my phone back, which is EXTREMELY exciting. Yes, exciting enough for me to whip out good ol' caps lock. My dad's injury has brought us closer for some reason..I have a feeling that it's because I'm not that much of a bitch to be mean to someone who is in pain pretty much 24/7. Hopefully we'll be a functioning father/daughter unit again.

I haven't cracked open my sketch book in over six months. I tried to draw today and it looked like crap. I guess I just have to keep trying.. Give me something to draw..and give me new songs to learn on guitar..please.

Oh, and best friend? I'm down to hang out, but I think that my dad would freak out at the idea of it. So Wednesday? Before practice maybe?

Tomorrow: Lisa's house..maybe.

Kelsey Rae

Somewhere In The Between.

She thinks that it's because he's gone crazy. And it's getting harder and harder to convince her that he hasn't told me anything about why he's been acting so strangely. She seems to bring it up every time we talk, and I want to tell her what happened, but I know that the drama bullshit will start up again. Well, there's seven weeks left until he's completely healed, so hopefully I won't slip until then.

I skipped the parade today, and as a result, I feel incredibly better. My sore throat is nonexistent and I don't feel as sore as I did earlier today. My mom picked me up and took me to LA where I visited my great aunt, which really isn't that big of a deal considering she lives across the street from me. But the reason why I brought her up was because around Christmas time, my street starts to look like an electrical company threw up all over it. It's not a bad thing. By the end of the month, the eight houses that are occupied by my relatives light up the end of the street.it's all really lovely.. My great aunts house is one of the most decorated, with little angels adorning every tabletop and garlands and ribbons hugging the walls and furniture. There was Christmas music playing from her speakers, and it reminded me of when I used to live with her and I helped decorate her house for Christmas. That was like, four years ago? Damn.. Anyway, going there really brought me into the whole Christmas spirit thing..even if I really don't like Christmas songs. I'm not a big fan of the whole red and green garb that everyone seems to love, or the Christmas music..but I love that everyone is always so happy this time of the year. Like there's something to celebrate..

Anyway, I've been listening to this album a lot lately, and it's quickly becoming my favorite one from them. It might be the fascinating theological references or just purely because it's good music.

So I'm going to nap and then go to the valley. Maybe I'll ad on to this to say what happened later today. I hope everyone had a wonderful day.

Btw. Berd.

Kelsey Rae

Give Me A Chance.

I've been taking care of a lot of people lately..which has only led to what might be better relationships with them. I suppose it's a road to recovery in more than a few ways.

As for this week, it mainly consisted of a pep rally, a near death experience, and hanging out with this really cool guy that I don't really get to talk to that much anymore. We used to be like, best friends, but we kind of drifted apart since those days. I feel really pressured sometimes by him cause I know that we might never be as close as we once were. And as much as I miss that friendship, I'm really just happy that I can trust him and talk to him and joke around with him again. But sometimes I really feel like that isn't enough for him. I'm trying my hardest, I really am. I can't do it all alone, you know.. And while on the topic, I miss my best friend. And just in case she reads this, I read yours, too.

And then there was today, which just really sucked a lot. It was so boring I could barely even stand it. Ughh. And I saw such lame, not cute movies..I wanted to kill myself or something.

..kidding. Cuntface loves Bitchface..on the real. Almost as much as lemon cough drops. Yummmmmmm.

Kelsey Rae

Broken Bones & Parking Lots.

Last night's bad news are overshadowed by today's events, which were just beyond wonderful.

And that was the most beautiful sunset that I've ever experienced, even if it was from the mall parking lot.

Now go and listen to "My Darling" by Wilco and know that I love you.

Kelsey Rae

Thanks.

I want to start off this blog by saying that I am bred from the two most dim witted, sarcastic, whiny, and sensitive people in existence. And no matter how enlightened I may be right now, there's no avoiding that fact. Anyway, after a drama filled morning and afternoon on Thursday, I took a two hour drive to my Thanksgiving.

My family watches way too many movies or something. I usually look to them for a source of collectivism rather than the blue blooded American bullshit that is seen far too often these days, especially from my dad's family. But, there we were gathered at a table for twenty, every member accounted for. Even the four dogs that occupied two acre backyard seemed to have little American flags painted on their hides. Pardon my ranting. The food was wonderful, and it was just amazing to be with my mom's family for Thanksgiving. It meant a lot to me..

That night and the next day was spent with my cousins, minus Megan and Jessica. I can't recall much other than playing with the dogs, climbing trees, watching YouTube videos, and playing sports. And then we told scary stories and I really freaked out the youngest, Ethan (who also happens to be my twin and new BFF) with the whole Bloody Mary thing. He rarely let go of my hand for the next couple hours..until he wasn't that scared anymore. The only downfall of the evening was my Aunt, who, if you know me well enough, is a total and complete bitch. She was trying to start shit with KC, Cameron, and I, which is just fucking ridiculous..in my opinion.

KC, by the way..before I get ahead of myself, is the best person of my life. I've missed her so much ever since she went to Riverside, and she's changed since I saw her last. Not in a bad way, but she's matured into such a woman. I can't help but be jealous just because I've always wanted the freedom that she now has. But I'm just so proud of her and happy for her. I've always admired her ever since we were little, for being such an uplifting and happy spirit, and being so smart..ahh. I'm going to miss her. And it was wonderful seeing her again.

It might've been the soda that I drank earlier that day, but I couldn't fall asleep at all last night. For about an hour I just lay awake on the living room floor counting my blessings and listening to my uncle snore in the other room. And then for a second everything just clicked, and I suddenly became aware of the past two days. I've never felt so complete and unstoppable in my whole life. The high school bullshit that's been putting me in this wretched slump..I'm so over it.

I'm SO glad I didn't go to Hollywood last night. What would I have gotten out of it? Intoxicated memories, bruises, and some guy's phone number in my back pocket, right? In those couple moments I felt infinite, with the soundtrack of KC's snoring and the hum of the refrigerator. It was so worth missing some stupid party.



So have a good weekend everyone.
Squowoowwwouow.

Kelsey Rae

Preggo.

I would totally be into being pregnant. The whole bump thing is possibly the most beautiful thing that could ever happen to a woman. I mean, to some people it's disgusting, but I think it's completely lovely and magnificent. A woman is at her fullest and most perfect stage when she is swollen from a living thing inside of her. It's metaphorically beautiful just because of the idea of carrying an unborn. I don't know. Maybe it's just me, but I love pregnant women. Maybe I'm only saying all this because I saw Mrs. K cradle her belly today in mass. Her fingers intertwined over her gray sweater just below her bump and she looked down at it for a moment, and I could only be jealous and wonder about what was going through her head. At that moment I thought she was really lovely, which is odd considering that it's Ms. K.

There are four pregnant women in my family at the moment. Four. Two of them just had babies last year. But I'm not complaining. I love babies. I would just be scared shitless about having one. Yes, I would want to be pregnant, but only if it meant not actually having the baby. I would just have a magnificently engorged belly for about nine months and have people rub it and talk to the little sea monkey like creature inside. And then after the nine months are over, I would return to my usual 102 lb, stretch mark free self. I would do it over and over again until I get tired of the morning sickness. And then there's the whole raising the kid thing, which I don't think I ever want to do. Or, just not yet, at least.

Why am I talking about this?

Anyway, I'm leaving for San Diego tomorrow. I really need this..the past two days I have proved to myself over and over again that my maturity level is at an all time low. I guess I'm just not as strong as I thought I was. I would say that I don't know why I'm so bothered by all of this, but I know I would be a liar. I just don't know if the reason why I'm upset is justifiable or not. But THANKFULLY, I'm going to spend the next four days with no phone, no computer, just family. The best one at that. Even though I only saw them a couple months ago, I miss all of them. Maybe I'll be able to clear up a few things, since I'm clearly the one who has the problem.

Today would've been awkward and scary and disappointing if it weren't for a long phone call from a boy named Nick Perry, whom I love times a million. So Happy Thanksgiving and much love to ALL.

Kelsey Rae

Jejejejedi.

Today was slightly better than the last only in accordance to today's bell schedule and after school. But unfortunately tomorrow is Wednesday schedule, which means I have both Physics and Advanced Topics. Hopefully we won't do anything in either. Or at least AT. Since you know, we kinda don't do anything in that class anyway.

Hopefully today was something that I can look back on and not feel so foolish about later.

Anyway, it's late, so I'll make this one short and go.
OH, my dad's birthday tomorrow, which would be a lot easier to come to terms with if we were talking.

Kelsey Rae

Eddie Lol.

<3

Lololololololololol

Kelsey Rae

Local Sex Offender.

It's so weird. Before, it was her and I against him. And now I really don't know what to think..whose side to be on. All that jazz.. And even after completely breaking down at dinner, I still can't tell my dad what's up. I can't even stand being in the same room with him. And now I'm back there again. In my bed hugging a pillow for dear life..at least this time I have a phone and the courage to leave my room, which happen to be two of the most valuable things to me right now, shortly followed by my guitar and the 32 GB that continuously save my life. So for now I guess all I can do is take my own advice and try to either shove it through my brain or up my own ass.

As for the title? I saw him today, even though he legally isn't supposed to live near the school. Maybe he was just visiting his friend.
Goodnight and sweet dreams to all.

Kelsey Rae

Philosophy of a Black Book.

The past couple days have been interesting. Nothing beyond that. Just interesting in general.

Football Friday was the usual useless school and useless football game. The only good that came of it was someone that visited Friday. Other than that, it was pretty bleak..as before mentioned. I missed the viewing, which I'm more than happy for. No matter how many times people try to convince me, the idea of seeing a dead body is not only morbid, but completely ridiculous. Yes, it's sad that you'll never see them again, but the truth is, whatever you're looking at isn't the person at all. It's an empty shell. Decaying flesh and bone. Nothing more complex than a tree stump. From what I heard, she looked really peaceful, though. So hopefully that house won't be more haunted than it is already. I was slightly annoyed for some reason, but as soon as I got home all was mended and I was able to sleep easy.

Saturday morning I was rushed to LA and we went to St. Kevin's Parish, where I used to go to mass every Sunday with my family. It was almost reminiscent. Only this time there was one less person there. And this time she was in a coffin. Anyway, Rotchel was in the choir, and she's pretty much the same girl that I remember her to be, only this time her hair was to her shoulders. And she was about four inches shorter than me. Which was weird, because she was always so much taller than me when we were little. And even though I haven't spoken to her in a couple years, I could still pinpoint her voice amongst the FOBs in the choir. The priest gave possibly the most philosophical sermon that I have ever heard. See, he had this black appointment book in front of him, and he said that as much as there is black on the outside of the book, there is as much white on the inside of the book. Meaning that although we're dressed in black, Ose is dressed in white, and we have to reflect on the positive of any situation. There is a positive and negative to every situation, and although it isn't as easy to just flip open a book to see the positive, we have to try in order to be fully aware of anything. Straight up Buddhist philosophy right there.

Afterward we went to Forrest Lawn, possibly the most beautiful cemetery that I have ever seen for the burial. It wasn't sad until I saw my real grandma cry, which was possibly the most heartbreaking thing that I've ever seen. And my mind just let loose after that. Just the combination of the loss and heartbreak and emotion that filled Forrest Lawn was unbearable, and I couldn't take it. I wanted to get away, but I instead comforted anyone that needed it. It was the least I could do, right?

That night was Kesterfest, which I almost didn't go to because my mom was bitching, and KC's party was that night. But I went anyway and had a long conversation with a friend. We discussed religion and stars and life in general. And for a second I changed his mind about something..well, I like to think so anyway. The Ride was good. And Ace Bandits was good except for that horrid saxophone player. The last song was by far the best, though. I'm not quite sure why I was so bothered last night. But I was highly annoyed. But as soon as I got home all was mended, and I was back on my high..once again.

My plans fell through today. Which fucking sucks, cause I was looking forward to today..like a lot. But it's okay. We'll do something next week maybe hopefully? Too bad my dad isn't even answering his phone so I can't even ask to go anywhere. Gayyyyyyyyyyy.

Kelsey Rae

The Baja 1000.

My dad is gone again. This time only for about four days to race The Baja 1000 (which more than few people have told me he's really cool for doing). I'm more than overjoyed for his leave. This means that my mom is taking care of me, feeding me, and letting me go to my friends' house til late. Mmmmm slight freedom. Speaking of freedom, today is my day off. And by day off I really mean day off. I have no homework, no papers to write, no tests to study for, and no talks to stress out about. For once I can just breathe.

Yesterday was good and bad for many reasons. I went to Albert's house with some friends and watched a few fights. And afterward went to practice. Got a ride home from a friend that I haven't talked to in a while. And now that I think about it, if it weren't for the very later part of the evening, the bad would've heavily outweighed the good. But it happened..and I'm glad that it did. And I was able to sleep happy.

As for today, I guess I'll see what happens. School tomorrow is going to be BLEAK. Afterward is going to be even worse, considering that there are two things I would MUCH rather be doing instead of going to a football game. Prayer maybe? Good Cheer show maybe? And yes, I know that's not their name anymore, but that's how I'm going to refer to them, cause that's who they're always going to be in my heart.

Good morning! And have a wonderful day.

Kelsey Rae

Pan de Leche.

Prayer was today.
My dad is out of town again.
Farren is starting to walk.

Tomorrow is open house.
I'm really not looking forward to it. And I'm kind of getting grossed out as to how often I'm writing these.

Brian's party tonight..maybe I'll go for a little while. I'm far too tired to do anything spectacular..

Kelsey Rae

Ink Stained Chucks.

I got back from Valyermo today, and the high I'm on is unbelievable. I'm exhausted and dead tired, but my mind is racing and my heart is lifted. I really didn't think that this experience would be as rewarding as it came out to be, only because I knew that it wasn't mine, it was the experience of fifty or so kids that didn't know what to expect, and didn't know how to react. But being trusted with everything that they've been through has left me stunned and enlightened. I can't say any more other than that, otherwise I would only be taking away from what Valyermo is.

I'll leave it to this.
I have gained some amazing new friends, an invaluable piece of paper, and the ability to live my words. As far as what I've lost: a few inhibitions, a few insecurities, and a grandma.

And then, when I got back, I disappointed myself greatly. The truth is, I want to fix it, but I'm not sure if they do. And if they do want to, it sure is some way to show it. I'm somewhat disappointed in myself for letting it get this bad, but now I know what I have to try to work harder on. Hopefully it will end well.

Tonight was senior night, and even though my parents couldn't be there, I was escorted by two of the greatest people I know: someone that I have loved and cherished as a friend for several years now, and some douchebag that I've grown very fond of.

I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Goodnight to all, I'm off to call a friend. Now do me a favor and listen to some beautiful music that makes you feel warm and secure.



Kelsey Rae

1/2 Out of 4.

That's how much I'm done with my paper. It' been two hours and I'm done with half a page. I have a feeling I'm going to be up for a while. I'm not even sure why I'm writing..I really should be doing homework. But whatev's..I need a break. Today was the parade, and as far as being physically exhausted, I'm set.

Oh, and HOME GAME when I get back. Senior night!! Too bad my parents probably aren't gonna be there. Needless to say, I'm still excited for Friday. =]

Until then, it's tough shit for me, though. Hopefully all this stress will be gone when I get back.

Gone for three days. Thank goodness.

Kelsey Rae

Take a Breather.

I needed this. A day to myself to breathe and be warm and not stress about school or whatever and just listen to Molly Marlette. I wish I could play piano and mandolin the way she does. And sing as well as she does.

Anyway, all is not mended, but it's slowly healing. I really hope I can pull through this, because all of my energy is going into thinking and hoping and wishing that things might get better. A few long letters made me tear last night, but they're the start of something better, maybe. And last night just ended wonderfully, even if I don't have a phone of my very own to text and all that. I smiled and really laughed for the first time that whole day.

Tomorrow is the Veteran's Day Parade, so I expect to be exhausted by this time tomorrow. And I really can't wait. I'm not quite sure why, but I love parades and competitions like nothing else. I just wish it was as cold in the valley as it is in LA. Seriously. I was so effing cold today I had to wear sweats over leggings and two sweaters the whole day. And those really comfy fuzzy socks. Mmmm warmth. Tomorrow is going to be good, despite the possibility of having to write four pages of an English paper, but even that doesn't sound that bad considering I somewhat enjoy writing right now. I just want to feel tired..so incredibly exhausted mentally and physically that there's nothing left to do but lie in my bed and listen to some good music. Maybe throw down a few chords and all that jazz.

Point is, I can't wait to be dead tired. Oh, and I'm still phoneless.

Kelsey Rae

A Better Place, A Better Time.

I've been here before.
My eyes so swollen from the liquid pain being squeezed out from fat disgusting tear ducts.
My legs so sore from running that they throb and burn from underneath three layers of blankets.
So why do I always run when I always end up at the same exact place?
In my bed, hugging a pillow.
Phoneless and friendless.
Alone and scared.

It always ends up the same.

And now I can't help but put this fucking song on repeat, along with a few questions. Why must I always be forced to grow up? Why must I always have to save someone else when I can't even save myself sometimes? And it wasn't even by choice. I was thrown at it. Whatever it is that happened, it was forced upon me, and now I'm the one that has to suffer from someone else's fears and insecurities.

My father turned off my phone, so please don't call or text it. I'm not sure when I'm going to get it back.

On a lighter note, Granada Comps was yesterday, and surprisingly, band won first in our division. Drumline won third but no one cares about them, except for Jason, who is just a wonderful person. I think that was the best I've ever played in my whole life. And I really was happy that she went.

Kelsey Rae

You Can't Fax Glitter.

So, I hung out with Rachelle today after practice. And it wasn't the usual..we didn't just play some music and then watch Frisky Dingo. Actually, that's a lie because that's exactly what we did..but afterward we sat around and talked for a while about pretty much everything that's been going on lately. And she really made me realize what I was doing to people around me. And now I really feel like shit. To be totally honest, I don't know why I've been acting so strange lately, but it's been bothering me just as much as it's been bothering you. So I'm sorry if I don't text back over the next couple days. And I'm sorry if I don't answer calls or initiate conversations, it's not that I don't want to talk to you..I'm just scared.

I'm not sure how to explain it..and I'm not sure when I'll feel better. It's complicated I guess.

Anyway. Tomorrow is the field show competition. And I'm pretty nervous. But that's normal I suppose. I'm just a worrier.

So now I have to make that phone call. Hopefully things will be better by the time that it's over. Goodnight to all.

Kelsey Rae

Paralysis.

This weekend I'm going to be visiting my cousin Farren. She just got out of back surgery or spinal chord surgery or something of that sort, and she isn't doing too well. It kind of scares me to know that she's starting to become paralyzed in her legs. This girl, was going to be a Notre Dame cheerleader and be on the dance team and swim team and all that, who is one of the most energetic, hyper, and amazing people I know..and she's in intensive care, struggling to keep her legs.

It breaks my heart knowing that she's only 14 and already facing all this.

My family has been through a lot over the last couple years. From almost losing Cameron and my Auntie Belle last year, to my grandfather's lung cancer this summer, and now this, and everything that's going on with my cousin. It's getting harder and harder to be a family, but I suppose everything that goes on just brings us closer a little more every time.

Today's is short. There isn't much else to say, considering that that's all that's on m mind at the moment.

Oh, and I'm excited for Valyermo.

Kelsey Rae

Dead Elk.

Today was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. I'm not exactly sure where to begin on all that, or to begin at all, so I think I'll just jump right ahead to this afternoon.

My dad showed me pictures that he had taken over the past two weeks. For the most part, they were lovely. There were magnificent red and purple sunsets and orange and yellow sunrises. There were frozen lakes and rivers that just looked so pure..like the shit you'd find in calendars or something. Anyway, the last few pictures were of my dad and an elk that he had shot. It was pretty big..not the biggest, but pretty big. I really hate how people think that hunting is a redneck pastime. Sure, the thought of killing an animal for sport does sound a bit..harsh..but it's really the animal instinct in a person letting loose. It's less cruel than eating a hamburger or anything like that, honestly. After all, hunting is only using reason and logic..as well as some firepower to attain food, which is not any different from how other animals get food.

Maybe I just want to go one day, but am too scared to at risk of losing what I have left of my girl-ness.

Ehh. Anyway. I have to write my talk for Valyermo, and it's really bothering me that I have the most severe writers block..ever. And it's really bothering me that I have no idea what to write about. I could possibly write about my struggle of being something of a lesbian in a household and school that denies that kind of thing, but no matter how hard I try, I can never find the right words to start out with. It has potential to be motivating..somewhat disturbing to some people. But I'm not sure how to put it so that I just don't sound like a douchey fag hag.

On a lighter note, I learned a few new songs on guitar and tomorrow I get to see someone who I miss horribly. Happy happy joy joy.

Kelsey Rae

Mike TV, You Have My Heart.

So I was reading Mike's bulletin today and just reveled in his genius. Ahh. I wish I could even think with a just a fraction of the intellect and clarity that he has. But, alas, I suppose I'm just a little slow. And my writing has been declining in quality for the last two years. And now I'm left with shit.

Anyway. I find it funny that there's only one person that can see this..mainly because I only told one person about it. Unless you're Marie who remembered what the URL to my blog is. And unless you're Chris who, for some reason still remembers my password and e-mail. So I'm going to take this second to say hello to the person who is on my preferred list. Hey there.

My dad came home tonight. He's home for the first time in two weeks, and even though I'd like to say that I missed him and that it's been weird not having him around, I really can't bring myself to. Maybe it's because he's been checking up on me over the phone at least three times a week. Maybe it's because I really really like the idea of getting home at 2:30 and spending the next seven hours playing guitar, talking on the phone, watching Scrubs, making my own food.. Rachelle asked me today why I like being alone so much..and it made me feel just a little bit awkward being in my own skin, like I'm some sort of loner. But, what's wrong with having solitary time? I've been so surrounded by people bombarding me with attention. And I almost hate attention on some days. I mean, I love it from certain people, and if you're reading this, you're probably one of those people. But just being in a big empty house with no one and nothing to give attention to or receive it from is so comforting..almost therapeutic. I like being able to run around and knowing no one will be bothered. I like knowing that I can sing as loud as I possibly can knowing no one will be able to know how badly I can't carry a tune. And I absolutely love going to the bathroom and not having to close the door. It's just so liberating.

So, I suppose this ends those days..considering that my dad now doesn't have a job and is going for the father of the year role or something like that. He's going to be home all the time, an pick me up from school and take me to practices. It's going to be annoying. Maybe.

Well I guess I'll just have to see.

Kelsey Rae

Dia de los Muertos.

Yesterday was Football Friday with no football game.
..it was also Halloween. But nobody would really be able to tell just be looking around. It's definitely not as festive as it used to be, and there were hardly any trick or treaters. Well, not that I would know..it's not like I went trick or treating anyway. I mean, it's not like I want to, only because what's the fun of getting free candy that's most likely seventy percent crap from a house thats only decoration is a porch light? No. I'm not bitter. Anyway.

Last Saturday was a day to be reckoned with. It was confusing and nervous and scary and awkward. And it was wonderful. I was on that high for about a week, until yesterday. Yesterday. I saw the HorrorPops for the second time, and they never fail to impress, but I couldn't help but shake the feeling that I could've been doing something more worthwhile. I did go to Josh's party for a short while, but I was really so exhausted and just buzzed enough that I couldn't really comprehend what was happening. I had fun, but this morning brought me down a notch. It was a combination of the night before, a few tears, a few chords, and plenty of words that brought be down so hard.. It just left me confused and indignified, and in a hole I can't really dig my way out of.

And coincidentally, three little texts just made everything just a tad better.

Tonight means She & Him and more candy corn than I can possibly eat.

Kelsey Rae

Teeth.

I used to be able to articulate myself so well. My tongue could so easily reach back up past my throat, beyond my ears to my brain and let the words spill out with such ease. And if I couldn't do that, I could at least spill them out on a piece of paper. Letting a pen be just another appendage of my body, smoothly flowing and twisting. Making sense of everything.

Body language is a funny thing. It constitutes more than fifty percent of what we're trying to communicate to a person, whether we want to communicate it or not. The last couple days have proven that to me..especially today.

One form of body language that continuously amuses me is the direction of someone's knees, legs, or feet when they're sitting next to you. For example, if you're sitting next to someone and they're knees are pointed toward you, they're leaning in, maybe interested in what you have to say, maybe wanting to get closer to you. When they're pointing away from you, it means just the opposite.

My knees were pointing away today..and I didn't even realize it until after she left.

Kelsey Rae