Laughing My Fucking Ass Off.

Me and my sister were talking yesterday. She said that I wasn't really a good person. I'm not generally nice or feminine in any way. I'm good as shit faking it, but deep down I'm really not. I'm neither polite nor tactful. I'm rather blunt and rude for the most part. I can be tough as shit if I want to be, and I stand up to the bitches that try to put me down. But good? No. Barely.

So what did I do to deserve these wonderful people in my life?

Last night was one of the hardest I've come by. I just wanted to be alone, the whole time. And then I started talking on the phone. My eyes are still swollen from the tears. But then again my stomach is still sore from all the laughing. So I guess it evens out. I must be luckiest person ever..or something.

Today is the viewing. Another tradition in my family is that we're not allowed to take a shower today. For some reason we're not allowed to appear clean in the body's presence. Thank goodness I washed my hair yesterday.

Kelsey Rae

Crank It To 11.

There are some odd traditions in my family that are associated with death. For instance, when the body is removed from the house, it's custom to break a clay pot, symbolizing the spirit's freedom. It's kind of an anti-ghost insurance.

They're going to bury him with things he might need in his afterlife, including toothpaste, a toothbrush, his favorite clothes, hats, his shave kit, etc.

Possibly the most interesting (as well as my favorite) is that they plan on burying him with money and a candle. They believe that to get to heaven the departed take a boat up a river that's really dark or someshit. So, the money is for the fare and the candle is so they can see their way.

I'm left wondering, how much is the fare?

Also,



Thirty watts of FUCKING AWESOME. I promise you, I've never played a guitar until I played one that was plugged into this wonderful box of wonder. A USED and TEMPORARY Christmas gift from my Uncle Andrew. He is amazing.. It's just a shame that I don't have my Les Paul on me, so all I can really do is just look at it and admire its beauty.

I absolutely love walking through Los Angeles in December. Seeing all the white douchebags sip on their Starbucks cups and toying with their expesive phones, overpriced vintage shops, and kids tagging the sides of liquor stores. On top of it all, the weather is perfect for taking long walks to a soundtrack of angry kids singing about life and death..and the somewhere in the between. Five days of prayer left by the way. I don't think I'm going to be in the valley anytime soon.

Kelsey Rae

Tissues & Prayers.

If you know me well enough you'd know that I love my family more than anything in the whole world, and the only reason I would leave them is to make a quick phone call to someone that I miss. You'd know that on my mom's side of my family, my cousins are like my brothers and sisters. My aunts and uncles are like my parents. And my grandparents. They were just the best. They were capable of anything and everything, and gifted with a family that loved them to the very extent that their hearts could offer. It's weird. I might not have loved much, but I know where my heart is, and where it's always going to be. I know where I'll come back to during loss and fear. It's always going to be here, this street. No matter where I live in ten years, twenty years, this is always going to be my home.

Today was difficult to fathom. I saw a woman lose the very being that she loved the most in the whole world. I saw a family crumble and start to grow back a little stronger together. I couldn't help but break down just a little bit..of course I had to escape to the backyard where no one could hear me crying. And then I had to be strong for the kids that look up to me. It was just difficult seeing everyone that I loved so much gathered for the worst possible reason, all with the same look of sadness in their eyes.

All I can hope for is be as lucky as him. To have a family that loves me completely. Who would drive from hours away at a moments notice to be at my side when I pass. To have a spouse who will spend my last days with me even if I can't talk or move much, and who'll never pity me or see me as a burden. To be surrounded by as much love my whole life as he was.

R.I.P. Antonio Respico.
You will be missed.

Kelsey Rae

On My Shoulder.

When we're little our parents are something of our own personal superheroes. They have superhuman strength or telepathy, but undoubtedly, the amazing ability to save you when you need to be rescued. For me it was when I would trip and fall, usually resulting in a scraped knee or an otherwise seemingly fatal incident. Out of nowhere my dad would come to my rescue and pick me up. Once I was safe in his arms I would throw my arms around his neck, at which time he would sing a single line from a song by Paul Anka that would somehow make me stop crying, "Put your head on my shoulder". It's short. A simple phrase that could be said anywhere at any time by anyone. But for me it was a healing device, knowing that there was a shoulder that I could cry on until everything was better. It was his superpower.

As we grow older, however, we slowly come into realization our parents own mortality. We learn that they weren't superheroes at all. But shit, they were real good at faking it. Or, even worse, they were good at hiding what it was about them that didn't make them superheroes. We learn their fears and insecurities and weaknesses. We see them cry and lose control of everything around them. We see them experience loss and failure and sickness. And then we're left wondering, who do I turn to when my heroes can't even save themselves? And we see that even the mighty can fall. The fathers that had the strength of a thousand men can break their bones and cringe in pain with every breath that they take. We see that the mothers that could handle any task you throw at them could also struggle and fall into addiction and depression. And all we can do is still look to them in adoration as if they had all the answers and could save us from every mishap that we face. It was hard going through it myself, but it's even harder watching my family go through it.

I'm always scared when I go to that house. I was scared the two nights that I stayed there, scared whenever grandma left the house to run an errand. That maybe something might happen when the kids were sleeping that I would have to face by myself. Scared that I would be the one to explain what happened. I'm not sure what terrified me more: when I heard coughing from his room or when it was completely silent.

I can't remember the last time that I cried on my dad's shoulder. I'm sure when it happened I didn't know it would be the last time, either. But I have a feeling that the next time it happens I won't be crying because I scraped my knee or had a bad dream. It'll be because we'll be facing our own lives as we are to take them. I dread it more than anything.

I'm not sure what we're praying for. But shit, it must be good.

Kelsey Rae

Na Imbag Nga Pascua.

This Christmas was possibly one of the best I've ever had. It was spent with my family on my mom's side. It's the first time that's ever happened I think. But man, it was cool. I love my cousins more than the world. Even when they keep wanting to talk to my friends, yet can't form coherent sentences because their laughter gets the best of them. Well, they're cute. The end.

Happy Holidays to all.

Kelsey Rae

Also.

Mine mine mine. So what if it only holds about a fourth of my music? It's fucking cool.

Kelsey Rae

Rudy's.

I'm still not quite sure how it happens. But, every time after I get a new haircut I end up in the same place: in my bathroom with a pair of scissors poised dangerously next to my face. It starts out simple: a few snips here and there sorting out hairs of different length that the stylist might have missed. And then, a sudden choice that is soon to be regretted, a new layer is added. With that, another and another. Soon I find myself snipping menacingly at the dark locks that have no choice but to be victimized. No hearing. No trial. Just the violent disregard of the effort that was put into this beautiful head of hair just a couple hours ago. Locks start to fall to the ground as new choppy and uneven layers and lengths appear. Soon I start to realize that I'm destroying the cash I just threw out.

As of right now my hair looks absolutely hideous. My hand slipped while wielding those shears and now there's a completely unbalanced area on my right hand side. It's no big deal. I really don't give a shit if my hair looks crappy..but I somehow feel like I could've been just a little more organized with this one. I'm thinking of scrapping long hair at this point and trying something short only to abandon this mess and move on, but I know that someone won't like that too much. So I suppose I'll make do with what I have.

Oh, and it's Christmas Eve. Happy Holidays to all.

Kelsey Rae

Break.

It started Thursday after school and since then has been nothing but wonderful.

Thursday: Hanging out with one of the greatest friends I will ever have. Even if he is leaving me for like, two weeks.

Friday: Walking to and from Target an obnoxious amount of times, caroling, a Christmas party, sock puppets, a best friend who has just turned 18, and a pretty fun car ride home.

Saturday: Cleaning. My dad's Christmas present. And watching scary movies and walking around in the freezing cold with some bad ass mother fucker whose family loves me or something. Or at least I hope so.. It was a good day over all.

Sunday: Whitaker family party. White people looking at slides from the 60s. Oh joy.. The amount of beehives and station wagons in those were overwhelming. But I must admit, my aunts had some pretty wicked style back then.

Today: Nothing. I'm bored at the moment, but I'm going to take this time to maybe play some guitar and relax. I definitely need it. Maybe I'll go shopping tomorrow instead, since I obviously won't be in the valley. Sorry Chang..

Later.

Kelsey Rae

3/7.

I think the stress is getting to me. Sure, I have two of my easy finals tomorrow, but I'm still frightened as to what might happen once I'm confronted with it. Especially Economics, considering all I do in that class in eat Munchies and have story time with Marie, Alexis, and Sabrina.

By this time tomorrow, hopefully I'll be done with my project and studying for the final that's going to eat me alive.

Good luck to all.

Kelsey Rae

Brain On Ska.

So I just got home.

And today was a good day. I woke up at around one and spent the day with some family that I haven't seen in a while.

I wore my white chucks to the show. It's funny what those fuckers have been through. I might've worn them to my first ska show a good five or six years ago. And if I didn't, I wore them to a bunch. The bottom soles are so worn out at the toes and heels from just that. All I really needed was my rainbow jacket..but it was far too cold outside. It was a good show. It wasn't a fuckton of people shoving and suffocating each other to get closer to the stage. There was an actual skank pit and people just dancing next to each other. The last couple shows I've been to have been much more..violent. It was just a really good show.

And the ending? Holy balls. Seriously.

Oh, and chicken + waffles + midnight + three really chill shits = FUCKING AMAZING.

Kelsey Rae

Sleeping In.

Last night was the last Christmas Concert of my life, and it was spent with some of the best. And even if we played horribly, it wasn't that awful. It was somewhat emotional at some point, hinting that maybe something larger than me was about swallow me whole. Which it might, but at least I have some people to help me keep afloat at least for a little while.

Last night ended with a conversation with a person that I never thought, about things that I never thought I'd have to say out loud. It was interesting, and he made me realize things that I still deny to be true..but probably are. I miss him. And he wiped up those tears just like he used to.

So I've been listening to this song a lot lately, sometimes to unhealthy proportions. I'm not sure what it is about it, but it's one of the most eerily beautiful things ever.

And you told me of your flash of inspiration
You said fusion was the broken heart that's lonely's only thought
And all night long you drove me wild with your equations

Tonight: fun fun fun.

Kelsey Rae

And I'm Happy Just Because.

There was this intense pink glow erupting from the tombstones that were glued into the ground, reflecting off of the sky. It's true. We woldn't have been able to see it from just sitting on the ground. And sunsets like those don't come by too often. Or maybe it's just often enough. Anyway, today exceeded expectations. It was a wonderful walk laced with charming conversation ending with a beautiful sunset from the best seat in the whole world, shared with the best orange loving douche bag of my whole life. It was what I needed I guess.

They say that at the most critical times in your life, you realize who your true friends are. And I'm really glad that I've met the amazing people that love me and cherish my company just as much as I do them. People that I can talk to endlessly about just nothing..even if they have a paper to write that night, bring me ice cream randomly for no particular reason, or just climb trees with me just because we're cool like that. I'm really grateful to have these few, amazing people in my life to bring me different perspectives and just let me enjoy everything a little more.

The play was really good by the way..I laughed. On the real. So go see it if you haven't, and now listen to some Josh Ritter OR Bright Eyes.

Kelsey Rae

Cake Batter.

I FUCKING LOVE JEROME.

He's seriously one of the greatest people of my life. And not just because he does weird random things like this, but because he's sincere and caring and amazing like no other. I LOVE MY BFF FO' SHIZZZZ.

Now excuse me while I enjoy being a fatty mcfatterson.

Kelsey Rae

Whispering Eye.

A lot of people think that the hymen is a penetrable tissue that can be torn or ripped, but it's not like that at all. The hymen is actually a very thin circular tissue that surrounds the entrance to the vagina. It's narrow enough so that a finger or tampon can fit through with ease. During intercourse, it's stretched out past it's usual limitations, and as a result, bleeds. A hymen can't be "broken", and is rarely torn, but rather stretched out. A lot of dumb bitches think that girls who use tampons have already lost their virginity. But they're just ignorant douche bags. Bags o' douche.

Why am I writing about this? I'm about to meticulously draw the most disgusting anatomical body part: a vagina. That, and some virgins are really pissing me off at the moment.

Oh, and if you haven't seen Role Models, go see it. Like right now.

Kelsey Rae

Tuba Shoulder.

Last parade today. Hopefully, the last parade of my life..if I don't join All City. It was the Granada Christmas Parade, nearly two miles of horse shit and those annoying plastic horns that little kids blow on, throwing me totally off tempo. It was alright..the only downside was that sharp pain in my lungs that always seems to come at the worst time. First at Valyermo, then right before the jazz band competition, and this time at White Oak and Chatsworth, disabling my ability to breathe. Which is pretty nessecary when marching..

Anyway, I got my phone back, which is EXTREMELY exciting. Yes, exciting enough for me to whip out good ol' caps lock. My dad's injury has brought us closer for some reason..I have a feeling that it's because I'm not that much of a bitch to be mean to someone who is in pain pretty much 24/7. Hopefully we'll be a functioning father/daughter unit again.

I haven't cracked open my sketch book in over six months. I tried to draw today and it looked like crap. I guess I just have to keep trying.. Give me something to draw..and give me new songs to learn on guitar..please.

Oh, and best friend? I'm down to hang out, but I think that my dad would freak out at the idea of it. So Wednesday? Before practice maybe?

Tomorrow: Lisa's house..maybe.

Kelsey Rae

Somewhere In The Between.

She thinks that it's because he's gone crazy. And it's getting harder and harder to convince her that he hasn't told me anything about why he's been acting so strangely. She seems to bring it up every time we talk, and I want to tell her what happened, but I know that the drama bullshit will start up again. Well, there's seven weeks left until he's completely healed, so hopefully I won't slip until then.

I skipped the parade today, and as a result, I feel incredibly better. My sore throat is nonexistent and I don't feel as sore as I did earlier today. My mom picked me up and took me to LA where I visited my great aunt, which really isn't that big of a deal considering she lives across the street from me. But the reason why I brought her up was because around Christmas time, my street starts to look like an electrical company threw up all over it. It's not a bad thing. By the end of the month, the eight houses that are occupied by my relatives light up the end of the street.it's all really lovely.. My great aunts house is one of the most decorated, with little angels adorning every tabletop and garlands and ribbons hugging the walls and furniture. There was Christmas music playing from her speakers, and it reminded me of when I used to live with her and I helped decorate her house for Christmas. That was like, four years ago? Damn.. Anyway, going there really brought me into the whole Christmas spirit thing..even if I really don't like Christmas songs. I'm not a big fan of the whole red and green garb that everyone seems to love, or the Christmas music..but I love that everyone is always so happy this time of the year. Like there's something to celebrate..

Anyway, I've been listening to this album a lot lately, and it's quickly becoming my favorite one from them. It might be the fascinating theological references or just purely because it's good music.

So I'm going to nap and then go to the valley. Maybe I'll ad on to this to say what happened later today. I hope everyone had a wonderful day.

Btw. Berd.

Kelsey Rae

Give Me A Chance.

I've been taking care of a lot of people lately..which has only led to what might be better relationships with them. I suppose it's a road to recovery in more than a few ways.

As for this week, it mainly consisted of a pep rally, a near death experience, and hanging out with this really cool guy that I don't really get to talk to that much anymore. We used to be like, best friends, but we kind of drifted apart since those days. I feel really pressured sometimes by him cause I know that we might never be as close as we once were. And as much as I miss that friendship, I'm really just happy that I can trust him and talk to him and joke around with him again. But sometimes I really feel like that isn't enough for him. I'm trying my hardest, I really am. I can't do it all alone, you know.. And while on the topic, I miss my best friend. And just in case she reads this, I read yours, too.

And then there was today, which just really sucked a lot. It was so boring I could barely even stand it. Ughh. And I saw such lame, not cute movies..I wanted to kill myself or something.

..kidding. Cuntface loves Bitchface..on the real. Almost as much as lemon cough drops. Yummmmmmm.

Kelsey Rae