Butter Soup.

And even though nothing that great was accomplished, it was a great day. And even if I probably did fail my performance test, everything was mended by the end of the day and none of that mattered. And even if that bullshit recipe turned into butter soup, it was a hell of an adventure making it.

Just another Friday night with vanilla frosting. Haha.

The only drawback of the day is that my bruise is getting progressively less cool looking..



The picture is upside down by the way..don't get confused there.

Kelsey Rae

Sky Dragons.

I'm slightly disappointed, to say the very least. But I suppose it's alright. And I'm only lying when I say that I'm never going to play and sing ever again. Everything's all good.

So, I had this really long conversation about everything and nothing with this really cool guy I know. And every time I talk to him I seem to learn something else about myself that I never really tried to acknowledge before. And somewhere in his inconsistent, over processed, and puzzling ramblings he somehow comes across a point that I can never seem to get out of my head. The point is, it isn't who's been there the longest. It's all about who gets you on the best highs. And who understands you the most. And who you know will never let you down.

So besides a rejection, a test I'm going to fail, and a car accident, this week has been spectacular so far. Let's keep this shit up.



Kelsey Rae

My Sunshine.

So. It's hard to look at anything negatively right now. I have this warm and fuzzy feeling of bliss spread throughout my body and filling my veins. I can't get quite as in depth, but bottom line..I love right now and everything about it.

Perfect?
Far from it.
Wonderful? Exhilarating? Sublime? Amazing?
Most definitely.

Have a beautiful day.
Week.
Year.
Life.

Kelsey Rae

Eww.

Holy motherfucking shit.

How the fuck am I not blind..?

Don't Go Quietly.

For a minute there it almost happened again.
My eyes swollen and painful and throbbing.
My face burning from the pain and sadness that had overcome me.

But this time I had a phone.
And this time I had two friends that somehow made everything better.
And instead of desperately clinging onto a pillow, I clung onto a tattered study guide that still has yet to be memorized. And not everything is better, but I'm once again able to lie emotionally naked in my own skin and be perfectly fine with it. It's times like this when I'm desperate to know who my friends are and to what limits they'll go for me. Because it's true. We all feel lonely and vulnerable sometimes. But I suppose every day is just a learning process that we go through in order to learn where we're at in our life and in other people's lives.

And I wrote it all down with a pen on piece of paper that will hopefully capture all my disappointments rather than letting them linger in my thoughts. And even though it breaks my heart just a little bit, there's no escaping the truth. It's disappointment on so many levels. To say the very least. But it doesn't keep me up at night because at least I know there are a few good people out there who understand me.

So I have this eerie feeling that I'm meant for so much more than this. I suppose I'll have to do my research before I make any irrational decisions.

Kelsey Rae

Sour Patch Kids.

I know those aren't Sour Patch Kids, but they're fucking good, too.

For a second there, I was becoming a person that I never wanted to be. Hopefully, all is mended and I'll be able to be not as retarded as before.

Kelsey Rae

Jason and The Argonauts.

I love music. Especially when it's STAR WARZZZZ.

Please be patient with me. I'm sorry if I'm rougher than usual. And my usual bubbly and softened corners are feeling sharp and uneven. I'm sorry if my words are harsher, and cutting through you like the razor blades that you've so violently thrashed in your past. I'm sorry if my cuddly exterior isn't matching my destructive interior. And I'm sorry if my destructive interior that is so violently eating me up in the inside gives you the impulse to eat away at me more than I can handle. And I'm sorry if I'm just a tad weepier than usual. It's just been difficult, I suppose. And this is really the only way I know how to handle it. To be honest, I don't know how I can get through it without your help.

I want to know your plans
And how involved in them I am
When I go to sleep for good
Will I be forgiven?
And if you want roses, you can go buy a bouquet.
If that just won't cut it, well what can I say?

You’re what keeps me believing this world’s not gone dead
Strength in my bones put the words in my head
When they pour out to paper, it's all for you.
'Cause that’s what you do.
That's what you do.

I want to know your fears
From your feet to the back of your ears
And when they raise the landing gear,
Will your heart stay here?

If you could forgive me, for being so brash.
Well you, you could hit me or whip me.
Oh, I'd savor each lash.

No more fighting
This only a waste of our time
Oh, 'Cause soon we'll be leaving
Will this strength still be mine?

I'll look out for you 'til I die, 'til I rot.
Oh, I'll remember you 'til I die, 'til I rot.

Kelsey Rae

Uncertainty.

It is the subject of the day.
It is the subject of the week. The month. The year.

Only because I'm seeing people betray their morals and beliefs. And I'm seeing people betray their relationships. And I'm not quite sure what to expect next.

Last night > anything else. I love babies.

Tuesday: Concert at CSUN.
Wednesday: ???
Thursday: Dim sum with Lizzette <333
Friday: Most likely, NOT winter formal. No cute pictures for me.
Saturday: Stencils before Mexican Dinner, maybe?

In the meantime, I'm feeling quite content in this freezing weather. And listening to this song makes me feel like everything might just turn out alright. So, enjoy.



Kelsey Rae

Hooray.

My new toy, straight from the Philippines.
SO EXCITE.

Where the fuck do I find strings for this bad boy?

Good times for a change
Haven't had a dream in a long time
See, the life I've had
Can make a good man bad

So for once in my life
Let me get what I want
Lord knows, it would be the first time
Lord knows, it would be the first time

Btw, new song! I guess I was a fool to think that I'd never have to shed another tear about all this.

Kelsey Rae

Last Night.

I didn't sleep well at all. Even though I was awfully tired by the time I got to sleep. I woke up at least once every hour. I turned over. I blew my nose. I fell back asleep. And now my mind is racing toward no end. Because you're probably still asleep. While I'm wide awake. And I'm thinking.

Thinking.
Thinki
Thin
Th

...

I do it far too much. And I only really notice it when I ramble off in endless tangents about absolutely nothing and everything all at the same time. And when I let it take control of my imagination and create imaginary scenarios. When I let it rule my subconscious. When I can foresee everything that a person is going to say and how they're going to react. I have an eerie feeling that I was talking in my sleep. I felt as if at one point I had an out of body experience and I saw myself saying all the things that I wanted to, but couldn't for the life of me. So I guess I'll leave them to vague innuendo that you all can guess on until forever, but I will refuse to talk about. Unless I really want to.

I know there's a roadblock. And I'd hate for things to turn out as they have before. I'd hate for things to go unresolved. I'd hate to see you in a couple days and we'd act as if nothing has happened at all. Because shit went down and nothing can take back the words that were exchanged. We've been through so much, I would find it ridiculous if we escaped this ordeal with a scratch.

And, I'm not sure what I did to fuck up, but I know that I did. Sleep was my enemy last night. Sleep that was a result from tears and headaches and staying up late this whole week. I'm not sure what it is that I did, but I want to make it up to you. I can't say I'm sorry, because I'm not exactly sure what I did wrong just yet. And I know that that probably pisses you off, but it's the truth. If I'm sorry for anything, I'm sorry for putting this up on my blog. There's never enough hours in a day to get what I want done. I want to completely abandon sleep to escape the demon of wasted time.

So, being disliked. Being disliked by people who don't even know me. I've always said that it'd be interesting and I'd like to know how it felt. To be completely honest it's not half as satisfying as I thought it would be.

I sat there
Absorbing the ever present real world
Wondering why people have to change all the time
And about those who shift with the trends

Well we both know I know better than to point the blame at somebody else
But myself
So I'll put these words on the shelf
With pictures of old friends

I can sit and ask myself what I'm doing wrong
But I'm right this time
These are my convictions, you're tearing down
I won't give up even though it's all anyone in this world thinks we're good for now

I sat there feeling frustrated
The autumn sky was rapidly turning to dusk
And I'm feeling so fucking alone in this world

Maybe I am just selfish.
Maybe it's about goddamn fucking time.

Kelsey Rae

Cough Cough.

So if I'm still sick by Sunday and I DO end up getting a spot for Coffee House Night, I'm going to be pretty sad. Maybe this would be a good time to start OD-ing on Robitussin.

Also. Winter Formal. It's on the 20th, just a little less than two weeks away. On one hand, it's a chance to look amazingly cute and take amazingly cool pictures with an amazingly awesome person. On the other hand, it's about forty dollars out of my pocket, including neither my outfit, nor picture costs. Hmmm I don't know just yet.

Oh, and just because you don't think about something doesn't make it go away.

Kelsey Rae

Three Floors Of Ska.

The Delirians.
Half Past Two.
Ricerokit.
Deal's Gone Bad.
The Roundabouts.
Buck-O-Nine.
The Toasters.
Voodoo Glow Skulls.

And then there are those girls who try to look cute at shows. You know the ones. They're the vags that sit at the back near the bar in high heels or shiny flats, carrying bags, and wearing jackets because, well, it was cold outside.. They're the ones that did their hair and made sure their makeup was just right before leaving the house. They're the ones who dance a little while watching the other girls get beat up and drenched in other people's sweat in the pit. It's not because they belong to a certain respectable scene. It's because they felt like looking nice. It's those ones that I want to throw head first into the pit. Honestly, no one's impressed. That, and skins piss me off. With their fuckin' chelsea's and suspenders and Doc Martins. Alksjdflkajlkdgalkfdga.

ANYWAY. I'm sore, my ears are ringing, and I smell like ass. It was a good night.

Kelsey Rae

Wake Up And Live.

So lately I've been trying taking advantage of every second that's given to me. Whether it's trying to hang out with people I haven't seen in a while and taking chances I would've never taken before, or just taking a second to feel the intense and soft reaction that my skin has on a cold droplet of rain. I've been trying to embrace every laugh, every smile, every tear, and every song that's sung as loud as possible while waiting to be picked up after a basketball game. I've been singing louder, dancing more ridiculously, and making weirder faces.

I've confronted my fears and gotten over my demons. I've reached closure with more than few and decided to rid my life of those awful things that have tried to hold me back. And now I have the pride to say that I'm not living without fear, but with the power to overcome it. I'm not living without tragedy, but with hope that things will mend and heal. And I'm not living without worries, but knowing that everything will be okay when the time comes.

So, thank you to all of those who have gotten me to this point. I couldn't have done it without you.



Kelsey Rae

Sleep In A River.

What the fuck am I doing wrong?

You know, your opinion was the only one that ever really mattered. And it's probably because you're the one that knows me best. Throughout all the bullshit you knew what to say and you'd always be there for me. All I ever did was try to be honest. I guess even being myself isn't good enough anymore.

So I'll ask again.
What the fuck am I doing wrong?

Kelsey Rae

Bleed For Me.

I'm not exactly sure how, but it calmed me. The static put me to sleep better than any lullaby ever could. Well, not necessarily the static, but just knowing someone was there.

And all these tears? I suppose I'm just confused about some things that I'm too scared to say out loud. I'm just a worrier I suppose. Anyone who knows me can say that.

Maybe more later.

Kelsey Rae.