Last Night.

I didn't sleep well at all. Even though I was awfully tired by the time I got to sleep. I woke up at least once every hour. I turned over. I blew my nose. I fell back asleep. And now my mind is racing toward no end. Because you're probably still asleep. While I'm wide awake. And I'm thinking.

Thinking.
Thinki
Thin
Th

...

I do it far too much. And I only really notice it when I ramble off in endless tangents about absolutely nothing and everything all at the same time. And when I let it take control of my imagination and create imaginary scenarios. When I let it rule my subconscious. When I can foresee everything that a person is going to say and how they're going to react. I have an eerie feeling that I was talking in my sleep. I felt as if at one point I had an out of body experience and I saw myself saying all the things that I wanted to, but couldn't for the life of me. So I guess I'll leave them to vague innuendo that you all can guess on until forever, but I will refuse to talk about. Unless I really want to.

I know there's a roadblock. And I'd hate for things to turn out as they have before. I'd hate for things to go unresolved. I'd hate to see you in a couple days and we'd act as if nothing has happened at all. Because shit went down and nothing can take back the words that were exchanged. We've been through so much, I would find it ridiculous if we escaped this ordeal with a scratch.

And, I'm not sure what I did to fuck up, but I know that I did. Sleep was my enemy last night. Sleep that was a result from tears and headaches and staying up late this whole week. I'm not sure what it is that I did, but I want to make it up to you. I can't say I'm sorry, because I'm not exactly sure what I did wrong just yet. And I know that that probably pisses you off, but it's the truth. If I'm sorry for anything, I'm sorry for putting this up on my blog. There's never enough hours in a day to get what I want done. I want to completely abandon sleep to escape the demon of wasted time.

So, being disliked. Being disliked by people who don't even know me. I've always said that it'd be interesting and I'd like to know how it felt. To be completely honest it's not half as satisfying as I thought it would be.

I sat there
Absorbing the ever present real world
Wondering why people have to change all the time
And about those who shift with the trends

Well we both know I know better than to point the blame at somebody else
But myself
So I'll put these words on the shelf
With pictures of old friends

I can sit and ask myself what I'm doing wrong
But I'm right this time
These are my convictions, you're tearing down
I won't give up even though it's all anyone in this world thinks we're good for now

I sat there feeling frustrated
The autumn sky was rapidly turning to dusk
And I'm feeling so fucking alone in this world

Maybe I am just selfish.
Maybe it's about goddamn fucking time.

Kelsey Rae